Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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