i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
