did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
