When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
