if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And then my night got REAL pukey
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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