if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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