There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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