Pants 0. Shit 1.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
