everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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