i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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