im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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