chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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