he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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