3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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