My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Someone shattered a urinal.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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