Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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