we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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