i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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