Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
