I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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