Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
