just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
