We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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