Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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