thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
