you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
