I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
