I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
