My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
