oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
