I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
