She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
