I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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