woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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