she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
