I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I did not marry a roomba.
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