oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
