I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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