How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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