I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
