Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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