you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
