My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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