Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
