He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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