I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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