i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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