oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
