She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
