she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
